What do you get if you cross a vampire and a boat?
A blood vessel!

A guy walked into a bar and said: OUCH!

What do plums do when the're leaking?
They call the plum-ers.

What's green, hairy and go's up and down?
A Gooseberry in a lift.

What is a Polar Bears favourite road?
The IC1.

What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana?
You can peel a banana but have you ever tried peeling an elephant.

When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Your fingers.

What is a fast tricycle called?
A tot rod.

What is the difference between a counterfeit £5 note and a crazy rabbit?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.

The sausage is a funny beast
Its’ feathers long and wavy
It makes its’ nest in frying pans
And swims about in gravy

Daniel: We just flew in from Italy.
James: I bet your arms are tired!

Daniel: Have you heard what the sea said to the shore?
James: No, what?
Daniel: Nothing, it just waved

What is purple and 5000 miles long?
The Grape Wall of China

When is a man not a man?
When he turns in to a street.

What smells most in a chemist’s shop?
Your nose!

I eat my peas with honey
I’ve done it all my life
It makes them taste quite funny
But it keeps them on the knife!

Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got carrots growing out of my ears.
How on earth did that happen?
I don’t know, I planted Cucumbers.

What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
Look, Meals on Wheels

What has six legs, four ears and a tail?
A man on a horse

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!

Knock, knock
Who's There?
Cow-go
Cow-go Who?
No, Cows go MOO!!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two buses, three cars and a lorry.

What do you get if you cross a zombie with a boy scout?
A creature that scares old ladies across the road!

Dad, there's a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
'Give him a glass of water!'

The boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were full of blisters
The flames came up and burnt his pants
And now he wears his sisters.

Edited by
James Manning 9 3/4 (Hogwarts Express Platform!)